Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Saying Bi.

Enlightenment is something we never really seem to know we need until its to late. For me, I was slapped in the face with it. I was pulled away from the warm comfort of ignorance, and was pushed forward into a state of awareness I had never experienced before. I didn't like it at all. I was blinded by pride I once had, and a overall lack of true feeling. Always, I had thought of myself as a person, capable of full emotional feelings and understanding. It was a level of numbness I had grown accustom to, that I identified as my "deep" person-hood. It was sad actually, here I was thinking I was different and acutely caring, when I was at arms length from feeling and experiencing so many different things.

Coming out was one of the first steps in becoming my own person. At the time, reactions had been very harsh, and hurtful. That day, relationships were broken and shattered into a million hurtful pieces that would never be the same again. Rejection was another first for me. Rejection from the two people that created me. I had never experienced such a raw feeling of hurt and doubt towards my own thoughts and sexuality. I was the little girl who had a barbie that had a boyfriend sometimes and a girlfriend sometimes. There was no denying what I am. Yet I was given grief and shame for it all.

I quickly moved on from that, locking all that hurt in a box and putting it out of sight out of mind. After which, I rolled into a relationship with a woman. It was intense, loving, safe and much to much for a emotional cripple like me. After being with a emotional retard for a year, I could not just throw myself into the fire of an intense girlfriend that rivaled and challenged me. She saw how very broken I was, she was the first person who knew and loved my insides. And I had always hated my insides. For some reason or another, I ended things. Badly too. Because that's apparently how I roll, all cold, bitchy and shit.

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