Saturday, September 3, 2011


Maybe it's being naive.

Or that I dislike assuming the worst in people.

I often down play my paranoia and hope for the best in others.

I throw around my trust freely. But I haven't been hardened by life, and never intend to.

Always, will I have a sense of innocence,that I will never let this world touch. It's mine and mine alone.

As I get older, I know it's becoming harder and harder to keep it hidden.

This part of me has sadly chipped away some, and is not what it once was.

Lies from others have brought me down recently. You presume to know someone until, their web of lies unfold and cause havoc on everything. I broke up with my boyfriend after I realized my state of unhappiness was to much. Months later and I find out, the lies he told every step through our relationship.

I feel played.

Like a fool.

Yet, I'm no ones fool. In the past, in my effort to hide my true self I stumbled in the dark. Made all kinds of wrong choices and hurt myself in a sea of confusion and ignorance.

Now that I carry no shame for who I am, never again will I fall victim to bad choices.

It's hard to love yourself.

But I'm happy with me.

Friday, June 3, 2011


I admit when it comes to certain issues, I'm a bit harsh.
I think a strong level of female independence is vital for a woman. It helps us know who we are, and have a greater understanding of our own worth. When women form a chain of dependencies on men and other people, it grows thin with me, and I often get bothered. A friend of mine recently proclaimed independence by moving out of her parents house to live on her own. The taste of freedom alone, seemed to be giving her the notion she was all grown up. I thought it was pretty amusing at first, she was now dealing with the common guy roommate issues, like the awkward moment when the toilet seat is left up, and all that fun stuff. I asked in the most generic way, how rent all worked out, she answered with the fact that her boyfriend paid for her rent. I have to say, I was pretty dumb founded by this. Here she was bragging about breaking away from mommy and daddy, and yet she formed a whole new pathetic dependency. To me this was a joke.
Since she is the type of person that only tolerated being babied and coddled. I kept this opinion to myself, and never gave way to any notion of my disapproval. After all, this was her life and I was merely a spectator in the world she thought was centering around her. Her new living situation was to precious, I knew honesty would be destructive to our friendship. So I pulled away from speaking and being around her, from pure disapproval, pity and disgust.
It might have been harsh to write her off so quickly, but we were not very good friends to begin with, and actions such as that speak louder than anything she could say. Knowing that her claim to independence started with an act of pure dependence, bothered me to much. It was to contradictory, and to much for me to be around. I didn't think of myself as above her, as she thought towards me. I just no longer wanted to be around such decay of personal anatomy. She is backwards and juvenile. Yet, what bothered me even more, was how she was one of many contributing to the weak image of a woman relying on a man to take care of her.
I will always be a rock for myself, and although it won't be easy, I will never give someone power over me that is so crippling without.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Silly girl, don't be so pretentious.

Anyone can share generic extensions of fake person hood, by preaching boring quotes.

It's another thing entirely to say something about true feelings that aren't so pretty.

Datin' around.

Some would call it a trampy phase, I called it my time to experience new people and new things phase.

There is a huge difference from dating around and sleeping around. I simply dated various people, with no sexual connections. I did not need or want sex. This was a time of pure experience. After my break up with my girlfriend, I swore off dating of any sort, for a long while. I was confused, and had enough with long term dealings. I did not want to attach myself to someone else again. Not that I was completely letting go of the idea of committing to someone someday, at that time I merely needed a break from it all. Long term and I were taking a much needed break.

So I palled around with the adorable giant from work, who sadly as I later found out was a bit of a momma's boy and was lazy about thinking for himself. We parted ways and did the lame exchange of "we were better just friends". A few weeks later I started seeing the cute carefree surfer. It was fun and simple. Things were thought got complicated with him quick, I was not used to be pulled around like I was some rag doll. I didn't like it at all. So after two quick months things ended. After him I had so badly wanted to date another woman. I wanted to experience another woman, not that she would be anything like my first girlfriend, I knew I wanted someone different. I was done with stupid boys. I wanted someone that thought like me, and understood my feminine way of thinking.

I held back with this desire solely to please my parents. I knew they liked seeing me with anything with a penis. I figured coming out had done enough damage, and if I could spare them this pain, it was the right thing to do. I regret this choice. I was not at all done with my experiencing phase. I needed more. But then I met him. Now five months later, he is still around. He has used me to grow. Making small changes to his person hood, its amazing to be on the other end of the enlightenment process. Sometimes it's rough though, his male driven thought process is cold and insensitive at time, and makes me crave the compassion on another woman.

However I have come to understand relationships are work(duh), and I cant just act on my ever present urge to run. Some people fight with monogamy and try to mold themselves into this one-mate-for-life-person , for someone they love. Sometimes I think, I wasn't meant for one person always and forever. But with him, I want to attempt to mold myself, I disliked giving up so easily, as I had before. I have to give this all a chance.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Saying Bi.

Enlightenment is something we never really seem to know we need until its to late. For me, I was slapped in the face with it. I was pulled away from the warm comfort of ignorance, and was pushed forward into a state of awareness I had never experienced before. I didn't like it at all. I was blinded by pride I once had, and a overall lack of true feeling. Always, I had thought of myself as a person, capable of full emotional feelings and understanding. It was a level of numbness I had grown accustom to, that I identified as my "deep" person-hood. It was sad actually, here I was thinking I was different and acutely caring, when I was at arms length from feeling and experiencing so many different things.

Coming out was one of the first steps in becoming my own person. At the time, reactions had been very harsh, and hurtful. That day, relationships were broken and shattered into a million hurtful pieces that would never be the same again. Rejection was another first for me. Rejection from the two people that created me. I had never experienced such a raw feeling of hurt and doubt towards my own thoughts and sexuality. I was the little girl who had a barbie that had a boyfriend sometimes and a girlfriend sometimes. There was no denying what I am. Yet I was given grief and shame for it all.

I quickly moved on from that, locking all that hurt in a box and putting it out of sight out of mind. After which, I rolled into a relationship with a woman. It was intense, loving, safe and much to much for a emotional cripple like me. After being with a emotional retard for a year, I could not just throw myself into the fire of an intense girlfriend that rivaled and challenged me. She saw how very broken I was, she was the first person who knew and loved my insides. And I had always hated my insides. For some reason or another, I ended things. Badly too. Because that's apparently how I roll, all cold, bitchy and shit.